I know part of the current increase in the metaphysical activity around me is focused on restoring and healing the Divine Feminine and Masculine. And because of that, I am being forced to face the masculine.
But I’m being pulled kicking and screaming into this part of my healing.
It’s forcing me to lean in to the shit from my father and watching his hypocrisy and whiny childish narcissistic behaviors. Watching him and being so abused by him has made me see every other male in my life, and yes that really frustratingly and sadly includes my own spouse, as irresponsible, un-respectable, and a toxic being with whom I want nothing to do with at times. This is a really uncomfortable place to be in and is it causing significant chaos in my own soul. Especially with how I view my own marriage relationship.
I love my spouse, and I am deeply grateful for his constant presence in my life for past almost 10 years we’ve been together. But I even struggle with not trusting the masculine within him. It makes me feel like a disgusting human being for feeling this way even towards him. He doesn’t deserve that. But I’m struggling with trying to find a starting place for dismantling this toxic mindset. He is holding space for me, and yet again, I am deeply grateful for his presence in my life.
I adore the Feminine and the Goddesses I am honored to be working with, but instinctively I know they are not the end all. I love the strength they exude and the power and respect they garner. Then on the flip side, there are Gods counterparts I need to acknowledge, and show respect to and honor. There is the Divine Feminine AND Masculine, and I know it is unbalanced to acknowledge and lean only into the Divine Feminine.
I feel so broken and sad that this belief and view of masculinity has kept me in its grips for so long. And that masculinity was such a broken and destruction force used against me. I frankly despise the masculine. I abhor the masculine that has been used so destructively against me and how much that masculine was used as an excuse for what was done to me. Even my father in law, who in all respects is an upstanding man, I can’t stand. I have barely any respect for him especially since he was one of the people who tried to get me to “forgive” my father and “belittled” what my father had done to me.
I think I just had a breakthrough –
Growing up, as a young young girl, I desperately longed for a male to protect me and love me and take care of me. I longed for that protective presence. I somehow instinctively knew my father was not, nor could he ever be, that male. Especially now as I know it was him who abused me. I then looked at any other male who came into my life, even in a little way, as someone who could maybe give me that protection or care that I deeply needed. But every single male let me down, turned their backs on me, and left me in the hands of the toxic abuser I called my father. Any man or male I turned to for help, stabbed me in the back and refused to see any reason to get involved in a “private family matter.” Even my own spouse was cowed and abused by my destructive father. I wanted a warrior to come in and rescue me, I wanted a male to cry “shame shame!” and decry the abuse that had been done to me. But. No male came. No masculine creature came to my aid. Every male was easily manipulated by my toxic father. That gave me such a poor view of the masculine. I knew my father was wrong, I subconsciously knew he was toxic and a bad representation of the masculine, but where were the healthy men? Where were the warriors designed to protect? No one came, no one protected me, no one stopped the horrific things that were done to me.
I think this is part of why I had such an issue with the Christian god** as I was leaving that faith. That god is defined by being the holy masculine and the protector of the fatherless, the defender of the weak. And yet, that god never came to my aid. That god never protected me, or healed me, or gave me any reason to believe that he cared even an ounce for me. This is why I struggle to give any amount of reverence or acknowledgment to the Gods who are the other halves of the Goddesses I am being introduced to. I see the masculine as weak, unreliable, not to be trusted to hold up their end. And I know that’s not accurate, I know that’s not what the Divine Masculine is.
How do I enter the fray and unravel what has been done to me that has defined how I view the masculine?
I don’t know. I am not sure of where I should start with unraveling all of this. Maybe I’ve stumbled upon the beginnings of digging through the shit in writing this post. Maybe I haven’t. I just don’t feel confident managing this on my own. I also know a massive shift needs to happen before I get so stuck in this view of the masculine that it starts causing destruction and chaos around me and to those I love. I need to release the cynical and distrusting view I have of the Masculine.
** I apologize to any practicing Christians reading this post, but I am unable to capitalize the name of the Christian god right now.